Dilemma

Dilemma

Home……………..if you ask anyone what the word home means to them in their life, I am sure you’ll get answers varying from “it’s a place where I live” to “its somewhere I can be myself”…different people different opinion. But what does the word “home” mean to me? To me home is- a place where I can not only find warmth and comfort with mom’s home cooked meals, but a place where I can also find the joy and excitement of being with my friends, people whom I love the most in the whole world, a place where I can be with my someone special and have butterflies fluttering in my stomach when ever I hear his voice, a place where I can find freedom to express myself without any regrets or shame, where I can not only be happy but also break down if I have to and cry my heart out and then stand up to brace myself to face my troubles, to me “home” is a place where I know I BELONG!

I remember a few days back when I came to know that I’ll be going to Delhi during my autumn vacation for a short trip, I was filled with joy, and I instantly called up one of my best friends, Arani, and screamed on the phone with joy “I am going home………………..” teenage excitement, you just have to share it with someone, no matter what effect it has on the other person!

But was it true? What I told Arani that day, did I really mean that? Did I know what I was talking about? Tonight when I sat down to write I replayed my conversation with my best friend again and again in my mind and realized that, I myself don’t know which is my actual home-the capital of the country-Delhi? Or the city of the Nobel laureates-Kolkata?

Delhi- a place where I spent my glorious years of childhood! My proud past! A past filled with happy memories, extravagant trips, and a wonderful happy family! A place where I was the envied child in school, with powers and a tag of being every teachers pet!

Kolkata-My Evergreen Present! The place where I reside now! A place where I am growing up and spending my teenage life and completing my education from one of the finest institutions in the city! A place where I find mental peace, a place where I started understanding what life really is all about!

So where lies my dilemma? If Kolkata is the place where I live now then shouldn’t this technically be my home? If that’s so then why did I tell Arani, in my excited subconscious state of mind that I was going “home”, which apparently wasn’t referred to Kolkata but was referred to Delhi? As I said earlier, to me home is not just where I live, but where I belong! So where do I belong? Delhi or Kolkata? Suddenly it’s not just a series of questions anymore; it’s a war between my past and my present! Indeed I have some really fond memories in the countries Capital, that’s where I had a happy family life and a spoilt life! But is that really more than what I found in Kolkata? Can it be compared to the most priceless gift which I found here in the city of joy-the everlasting loyal friendship which holds no conditions with it? Now of course I had friends in Delhi, not to brag or anything but I was quite popular in Delhi, like I am here in Kolkata[I hope…?] but were those friends with me, like my friends here were, when I really needed someone, and was having a difficult phase in life? The answer is NO! That’s because the distance between Delhi and Kolkata managed to come between my Delhi friends and me, with time playing its vital role! And no matter how much modern technology claims to shorten the distance between 2 places, it just couldn’t reduce the gap which had formed between Delhi and Me! Like they say, once the connection is broken, it’s broken and there is nothing you can do about it!

Then why am I still hooked on to Delhi? It’s obvious my old friends in Delhi most probably don’t even remember me now, and the Capital itself must have changed beyond my imagination, then what do I miss the most about that place? My lavish lifestyle and my carefree nature? My united family, since I had my father with me back then Or is it because I want to run away from the approaching adulthood and take refuge in my childhood where I had nothing to worry about, because I am scared and I don’t want to grow up this soon? Is that what I really want? Do I really want to go back? Too many questions, and with the increasing curiosity level and the quest to find out my motive in life, they remain unanswered as usual! So where exactly lies the answers to my questions? Will I too be enlightened just like Buddha was, on this very trip? Another question added to the never ending list! Only difference is that I know I’ll have the answer to this question once I return from Delhi! Will I also have the answers to my other questions when I return from my trip? Will I come back as a changed person with a clear prospective about the future? Will I have the answer to my main question of where I really belong once I return? What bothers me the most is why are there so many questions which have no answers in my life? Maybe like every other teenager, I too am growing up or maybe unlike every other teenager my quest to know what I am here for in this world is getting out of my own control as I grow up……………………., like the mystery from an unfinished suspense novel hanging in the air, I ask my final question, which has to be the mother of all – will I ever get my answers?

Well only time will tell, and until then all I can do is sit back and look forward to my trip to Delhi, my trip to enlightenment………………!

-Priyanka Dutt

22.5.08

The Change

with the changing times even i have changed, dont cry for me,dont expect the same! as i say my writing speaks for itself!heres another emotion from my heart!

Sitting by the window, with the radio playing on

A sweet lil girl sits there, lost in her thoughts

With a tear in her eyes and sorrow in her heart

Staring at the rain, lost in her thoughts

Times have changed, so has this lil girl

Once so bright and youthful, epitome of fun

But now she sits by the window with grief in her heart

Thinking of her past, of what’s been said and done

The once addictive smile, like the bright spring days

That used to be there forever on her face

The twinkling eyes with a hint of innocence

Portrayed so much such as simplicity, elegance and grace

But now that’s gone, it’s been replaced with pain

Promising to everyone never to return again

With pain in her heart, sweet lil girl, sits by the window

Lost in her thoughts quietly watches the rain

“I had everything once” she quietly speaks to herself

“A loving family, true love but now I am left with none”

And she silently cries on, trying to ease her pain

With tears in her eyes, staring out the window

Lost in her thoughts, with no words spoken or said

But she is strong, she doesn’t need them

She is alone and she believes in herself

Crying alone, the brave lil girl

With every tear increasing her strength

She smiles; she is not the weaker one

Now she is ready to accept the changing world

She stands up and wipes away her tears

With the changing times, she has also changed

She steps out, into the pouring rain

With the radio still on, no words spoken or said…..

My 1st Shayari

well folks this is my very 1st shayari!now i knw it may suck but who cares,its yet another way of showing how much i care for a certain someone!here it goes:-

Bin tere meri saansain maano
tham si jati hai
woh teri yaad hi to hai
jo mujhe harpal
jina sikha jati hai

Broken Heart

well my writing speaks from itself!

Don’t cry when I am gone,

You pushed me away yourself;

Don’t cry like a kid,

Have to go and find myself

You made a promise

Which you couldn’t keep,

Broke my heart into pieces

And now you say you weep

Trust is very precious

It doesn’t come easily, you have to earn it

And if you break it,

All you get is endless misery

I had warned you before,

My heart is fragile;

Thought you understood me

Never knew you were so senile.

Look what you did to me,

Told you not to play with my temper;

But you never paid attention,

And you had to test my anger.

Now you regret your actions,

But words once spoken, cannot be taken back;

My heart is now broken,

And I am never coming back!

-Priyanka Dutt (27.1.08)

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

well i think the work will tell you itself why i wrote this!enjoy!

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

I love the way you look at me

Feels like the morning summer breeze

Blowing through my hair,

Making me feel simply at ease

I love the way you hold my hand

Takes me to a fantasy land

Where there is only you and me,

Protected, secured, and loved, it’s just so grand!

I love it when you whisper into my ears

And tell me that you love me,

Puts an end to all my fears

Like there hasn’t been a love like this for years!

I love it when you walk close beside me

Like there is no one around but only you and me

The world seems like our little dream land

With love in the air, peaceful, sound and free!

I love the way you smile

Makes you look divine

Like there can’t be anything better than this

Makes my heart so fragile

I just love everything about you

Everything seems so new

Moments like these very are few

Feelings like these occur when I am with you

And these are special because

I am truly in love with you

-Priyanka Dutt

7.10.07

Finally Found

a few days back i used to think i was really worthless,n untalented!till my best frnd knocked some sense back into my head n thanks to him i finally got to knw wat i am good at!so i wrote it down!here it goes:-

Underestimating my self was my biggest mistake

Forgetting my power which can make a change

Thinking so low of my self for others sake

Hiding my talent, never realizing what’s at stake

Never realized what I had in me

Looking for something frantically

Over looking what was in front of me

Like, searching for a tiny pearl in the big wide sea

It was there, but I had no clue of it

Others knew but never helped me out with it

Some gave signals and others, just a few hints

But I just remained unaware of it

But now I know that I was wrong

I see it now because my emotions are strong

Singing and dancing can be learnt if you want

But writing is something which is not done by all

It’s a power which can make a difference

It is a power which brings back sense

It is rare and not found in just everyone else

It is a power which is special and intense

Finally I found what I was looking for

Something which I can be really proud of

My vivid imagination has finally paid off

And now its time for others to know

What I am capable of!

-Priyanka Dutt

22.9.07

Poem of the Escapees

this is a poem which a classmate of mine n i have written!her name is trisha(she is also a writer n a better one!also a bit negative but good!)so we have written alternately!i start with from the first line n then the second line is hers n then mine n so on.........basically its more like a conversation between positive side n negative side!me positive,n trisha negative!enjoy!

life just goes on this way
but death is going to come anyway
dreams are turning into reality
and reality is something i hold close to me

love surrounds me from all the sides
so why do i feel so lonely on the inside
i found peace in the path i took
and still i turn back to give you one last look
things aren't that bad,the way you say
but they are still not great,like i really care
beauty lies everywhere i look
hatred isn't something i can overlook
right takes over all the wrong you did
the might of the sword and the gun blow off the lid
but i hope you know there's day day after night
there's no peace,no truce and still i fight
darkness isn't everywhere;it just exists in your head
and in iraq and bengal,remember the things i said
but you can't deny that life now is great
of course it is,just by ignoring hate
just hate isn't written in your fate
anger and hate are two sides of the same face
you know,you need to get your priorities straight
i'm broken,scarred and wounded,maybe it's too late
time heals everything;you're not late for anything
i'm sure except by that time it'll mean nothing
it's your insecurity that sees nothing
memories of scars still count for something
get over it,it's killing you within
i have already;won't let the mind games begin
it's not you but your ignorance,open your eyes to see the new beginning
when you jumped on the bandwagon of optimism,i was driving
what you say makes no sense;i think we should put an end to this
thats ok,i get it now,by the way, death sends you one last kiss.............
-Priyanka & Trisha