Dilemma
Home……………..if you ask anyone what the word home means to them in their life, I am sure you’ll get answers varying from “it’s a place where I live” to “its somewhere I can be myself”…different people different opinion. But what does the word “home” mean to me? To me home is- a place where I can not only find warmth and comfort with mom’s home cooked meals, but a place where I can also find the joy and excitement of being with my friends, people whom I love the most in the whole world, a place where I can be with my someone special and have butterflies fluttering in my stomach when ever I hear his voice, a place where I can find freedom to express myself without any regrets or shame, where I can not only be happy but also break down if I have to and cry my heart out and then stand up to brace myself to face my troubles, to me “home” is a place where I know I BELONG!
I remember a few days back when I came to know that I’ll be going to Delhi during my autumn vacation for a short trip, I was filled with joy, and I instantly called up one of my best friends, Arani, and screamed on the phone with joy “I am going home………………..” teenage excitement, you just have to share it with someone, no matter what effect it has on the other person!
But was it true? What I told Arani that day, did I really mean that? Did I know what I was talking about? Tonight when I sat down to write I replayed my conversation with my best friend again and again in my mind and realized that, I myself don’t know which is my actual home-the capital of the country-Delhi? Or the city of the Nobel laureates-Kolkata?
Delhi- a place where I spent my glorious years of childhood! My proud past! A past filled with happy memories, extravagant trips, and a wonderful happy family! A place where I was the envied child in school, with powers and a tag of being every teachers pet!
Kolkata-My Evergreen Present! The place where I reside now! A place where I am growing up and spending my teenage life and completing my education from one of the finest institutions in the city! A place where I find mental peace, a place where I started understanding what life really is all about!
So where lies my dilemma? If Kolkata is the place where I live now then shouldn’t this technically be my home? If that’s so then why did I tell Arani, in my excited subconscious state of mind that I was going “home”, which apparently wasn’t referred to Kolkata but was referred to Delhi? As I said earlier, to me home is not just where I live, but where I belong! So where do I belong? Delhi or Kolkata? Suddenly it’s not just a series of questions anymore; it’s a war between my past and my present! Indeed I have some really fond memories in the countries Capital, that’s where I had a happy family life and a spoilt life! But is that really more than what I found in Kolkata? Can it be compared to the most priceless gift which I found here in the city of joy-the everlasting loyal friendship which holds no conditions with it? Now of course I had friends in Delhi, not to brag or anything but I was quite popular in Delhi, like I am here in Kolkata[I hope…?] but were those friends with me, like my friends here were, when I really needed someone, and was having a difficult phase in life? The answer is NO! That’s because the distance between Delhi and Kolkata managed to come between my Delhi friends and me, with time playing its vital role! And no matter how much modern technology claims to shorten the distance between 2 places, it just couldn’t reduce the gap which had formed between Delhi and Me! Like they say, once the connection is broken, it’s broken and there is nothing you can do about it!
Then why am I still hooked on to Delhi? It’s obvious my old friends in Delhi most probably don’t even remember me now, and the Capital itself must have changed beyond my imagination, then what do I miss the most about that place? My lavish lifestyle and my carefree nature? My united family, since I had my father with me back then Or is it because I want to run away from the approaching adulthood and take refuge in my childhood where I had nothing to worry about, because I am scared and I don’t want to grow up this soon? Is that what I really want? Do I really want to go back? Too many questions, and with the increasing curiosity level and the quest to find out my motive in life, they remain unanswered as usual! So where exactly lies the answers to my questions? Will I too be enlightened just like Buddha was, on this very trip? Another question added to the never ending list! Only difference is that I know I’ll have the answer to this question once I return from Delhi! Will I also have the answers to my other questions when I return from my trip? Will I come back as a changed person with a clear prospective about the future? Will I have the answer to my main question of where I really belong once I return? What bothers me the most is why are there so many questions which have no answers in my life? Maybe like every other teenager, I too am growing up or maybe unlike every other teenager my quest to know what I am here for in this world is getting out of my own control as I grow up……………………., like the mystery from an unfinished suspense novel hanging in the air, I ask my final question, which has to be the mother of all – will I ever get my answers?
Well only time will tell, and until then all I can do is sit back and look forward to my trip to Delhi, my trip to enlightenment………………!
-Priyanka Dutt
22.5.08
